Spikey1one's Rants

One angry old man against the world

Funnies

ArseholeCoppers  ass

Text funnies:

EXCERPTS FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS:

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because
she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and
they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled –
‘He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.”
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

1) ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’

2) ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’

3) ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’

4) ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.’

******************************

Who's got the can opener?

Who’s got the can opener?

bild_chefochanstalld

community service

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’
>
> The florist was pleased and left the shop.
>
> When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
>
> Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’
>
> The cop was happy and left the shop.
>
> The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
>
> Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’
>
> The MP was very happy and left the shop.
>
> The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
>
> And that, my friend, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
>
> BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
>
> If you don’t forward this you have no sense of humour.
>
> Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future.
>
> Now send it to everyone you know…..

 

*****************************

The fat one's yours.

The fat one’s yours.

Tough Decision Huh?

Tough Decision Huh?

 

 

 

 

 

MAN RULES

WE ALWAYS HEAR “THE RULES” FROM THE FEMALE SIDE….
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE… THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. (FIRST AND FOREMOST RULE).

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS OR NEWS, IT’S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT.
THAT’S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IT YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON’T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT TO BE DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS…

1. CAPTAIN COOK DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLOURS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT NOT A COLOUR.
PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY “NOTHING’, WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE…

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE … REALLY.

1. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE ARE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR CARS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;

BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON’T MIND THAT? IT’S LIKE CAMPING.

***********************************

More to the left. That's great.

More to the left. That’s great.

Stick me will ya...

Stick me will ya…

Employee Notice for Old People


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
> Dependents & Spous
e) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS – Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

******************************

thats asomeoh_crap

Questions?

Why, why, why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

**A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like, night.**

************************************

Stick em up!

Stick em up!

Pussy, Pussy, Pussy,,,

Pussy, Pussy, Pussy,,,

Little known facts:

:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that’s more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don’t try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.

(“Honey, I’m home. What the….?!”)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm……)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) Someone with a poor sense of smell.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.) Many Politicians.

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.) American Politicians.

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

 

******************************************

It's a man thing...

It’s a man thing…

Third world speed trap.

Third world speed trap.

Quotes:

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!—

Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority.– Thomas H. Huxley

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.– Clarence Darrow

Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.– Edna Ferber

Walking isn’t a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.– Evan Esar

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.– Mark Twain

Religion is a monumental chapter in the history of human egotism.– William James

(And the cause of half of the worlds problems, the other half is money, or the acquisition of it. –Spikey)

If you don’t have the time to read, you don’t have the time or the tools to write.– Stephen King

I don’t do drugs: I am drugs.– Salvador Dali

When people think the world of you, be careful with them.– Margaret Cho

But why do people who are good at families have to be smug and assume it is the only way to live, as if everybody else is inadequate? Why can’t they be blamed for being bad at promiscuity?—Unknown

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.– Stanislaw J. Lec

He had occasional flashes of silence, that made his conversation perfectly delightful.– Sydney Smith

Nothing is so aggravating as calmness.– Oscar Wilde

I believe there are more instances of the abridgement of the freedom of the people by gradual and silent encroachments of those in power than by violent and sudden usurpations.– James Madison

To the generous mind the heaviest debt is that of gratitude, when it is not in our power to repay it.– Benjamin Franklin

Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.– H. L. Mencken

************************************

Shit! There goes another life.

Shit! There goes another life.

Let's have Chinese...

Let’s have Chinese…

Muslims:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. You dream about making your 6 yr old niece your next wife in 3 years.
You may be a Muslim

11. You dream about sex and watch porn but you worry Lady Gaga might influence your daughter.
You may be a Muslim.

12. You dream about your favorite camel and wake up with your pillow covered with Man Goo.
You may be a Muslim.

13. You can’t decide whether to have sex with a young goat or your 5 year old nephew.
You may be a Muslim.

14. If you “go forth in Allah’s cause” to “kill and be killed” (Qur’an 9:111).
You may be a Muslim.

15. When you get your 72 Virgins in Paradise and say, “Mommy, What are you doing here?”
You may be a Muslim.

16. If you’re encouraged to have intercourse with camels and goats, but stoned or beheaded for committing adultery with a human,
You may be a Muslim.

17. If sheep and goats get nervous around you but the women laugh.
You may be a Muslim

18. If you believe polio shot makes you sterile, but don’t believe whipping a woman with 100 lashes will hurt her chances of conception.
You may be a Muslim.

19. You find this offensive or racist and don’t forward it.
You may be a Muslim.

***********************************

mistletoe

Whoope!

Whoope!

******************************************************************************************************

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.  The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father..’

The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’
The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’

The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

************************************************

With apologies to Chris @ chrisspivey.org

With apologies to Chris @ chrisspivey.org

Sportsmanship?

Sportsmanship?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

************************************************

DEMOCRACY AND RACISM
EXPLAINED

An illegal Muslim immigrant kid asks his mother, “Mama,
what is Democracy and what is Racism?”

“Well, son, Democracy is when British tax payers work
every day so we can get all our benefits, you know like free
housing,
Free healthcare, more welfare payments than pensioners,
& on & on, you know, that’s Democracy”.

“But mama, don’t the British tax payers get pissed
off about that?”

“Sure they do son. That’s called Racism!”

*********************

‘Interest on debt grows without rain’ – Yiddish proverb

************************************************

DirtyBitch

 

Maybe I could drown her

Its all a cock up

Lifes wonderful when your rich

Hello Sailor

Here Boy

Daddy will be proud

Sorry, I lost August…

 

One for the road

Aint we a pair

You can keep your hat on

Is it a record?

And a happy new year to you too… -Spikey

******************************************
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the station – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean – nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo’s arse and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of p…!! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Susan

(Don’t you just love the twist at the end. -Spikey)

**********************************************

I’m Confused!!!

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. 
Lets have a look at the evidence: 
– No Christmas 
– No television 
– No nude women 
– No football 
– No pork chops 
– No hot dogs 
– No burgers 
– No beer 
 No bacon 
– Rags for clothes 
– Towels for hats 
– Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower 
– More than one wife 
 More than one mother in law 
– You can’t shave 
– Your wife can’t shave 
– You can’t wash off the smell of donkey 
– You cook over burning camel shit 
– Your wife is picked by someone else for you 
– And your wife smells worse than your donkey 
Then they tell you that “when you die, it all gets better”?? 
Well no shit, Sherlock!…. 
It’s not like it could get much worse 

SO
THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!

They’re not happy in Gaza ..
They’re not happy in Egypt ..
They’re not happy in Libya ..
They’re not happy in Morocco ..
They’re not happy in Iran ..
They’re not happy in Iraq ..
They’re not happy in Yemen ..
They’re not happy in Afghanistan ..
They’re not happy in Pakistan ..
They’re not happy in Syria ..
They’re not happy in Lebanon ..

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They’re happy in Australia …..
They’re happy in Canada ….
They’re happy in England ….
They’re happy in France ……
They’re happy in Italy ….
They’re happy in Germany ……

They’re happy in Spain ….
 
They’re happy in Sweden ….
They’re happy in the USA ……
They’re happy in Norway ….
They’re happy in Holland …..
They’re happy in Denmark ….

Basically, they’re happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like….
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can’t help wondering…
How …. dumb can you get?

download13

***************************************

 

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