Spikey1one's Rants

One angry old man against the world

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MusJoke

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A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the fun had gone out of their marriage.

“Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?” She asked.

“Yeah,” he replied, “But be fair, you were only eleven at the time!!!!!”

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Bugger

Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son!  (Or, how to get around the PC crap. -Spikey.)

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I’m writing this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast. We are all doing very well. You won’t recognize the house when you get home – we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
Your father’s got a really good job now. He’s got 500 men under him. He’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven’t found out if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know whether you are an auntie or an uncle. Your brother Tom is still in the army. He’s only been there a short while and they’ve already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I’m sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

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drugs

Subject: Satan…

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.

‘Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound,horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 47 years.’

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Have a look at this, its the best, funniest explanation of Quantitative Easing I have ever seen:

Spikey

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Ass

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to the Scriptures, Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by University of Virginia professor, James A. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination…..

…end of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can
help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

(It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian 🙂

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Why

Blonde MAN Jokes

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair,
and I’ve just wet mine.”
——————————
A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.
The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
————————————
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
————————————
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”
———————————-
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”
————————————
A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic
His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy!” he replies.
————————————
A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blonde replies.
“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”
————————————
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: “Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?” To which the blonde man replies: “If they
fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”
————————————–
A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
The blonde man then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
————————————
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”
The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”
————————————
A woman phoned her blonde neighbour man and said: “Close your curtains
the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was
watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you
because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

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Vegi

WHY PEOPLE FROM INDIA DON’T ROB BANKS
Click on the link below

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=646039295421798

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Ditto

This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue. The
Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print
it.  The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the
letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!

> > > Dear Mr. Addison,
> > >
> > > I am writing to you to express our thanks for your
> > more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and
> > also to answer some of the points you raise.   I will
> > address them, as ever, in order.
> > >
> > > Firstly, I must take issue with your description of
> > > our last as a “begging letter”.    It might
> > > perhaps more properly be referred to as a “tax
> > > demand”.    This is how we at the Inland
> > > Revenue have always,  for reasons of accuracy,
> > > traditionally referred to such documents.
> > >
> > > Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the
> > > “endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling
> > > vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat”
> > > has been noted.    However, whilst I have
> > > naturally not seen the other letters to which you
> > refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from
> > “pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and
> > pissant gas-mongerers”  might indicate that your decision
> > > to  “file them next to the toilet in case of
> > > emergencies”  is at best a little
> > > ill-advised.    In common with my own
> > > organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of
> > these letters do see you as a “lackwit bumpkin”
> > or, come to that, a “sodding charity”..
> > > More likely they see you as a citizen of Great
> > Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the
> > upkeep of the nation as a whole.
> > >
> > > Which brings me to my next point.  Whilst there
> > > may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the
> > > taxes you pay  “go to shore up the canker-blighted,
> > > toppling folly that is the Public Services”,  a
> > > moment’s rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse
> > you of the notion that the government in any way expects
> > you to “stump up for the whole damned party”
> > > yourself.    The estimates you provide for
> > > the Chancellor’s disbursement of the funds levied by
> > > taxation,  whilst colourful,  are,  in fairness,
> > > a little off the mark.     Less than you seem to
> > imagine is spent on “junkets for Bunterish
> > > lickspittles”  and  “dancing
> > > whores”  whilst far more than you have accounted
> > > for is allocated to,  for example,  “that
> > > box-ticking facade of a university system.”
> > >
> > > A couple of technical points arising from direct
> > queries:
> > >
> > > 1. The reason we don’t simply write
> > > “Muggins” on the envelope has to do with the
> > > vagaries of the postal system;
> > >
> > > 2. You can rest assured that  “sucking the very
> > > marrow of those with nothing else to give”  has
> > > never been considered as a practice because even if
> > the Personal Allowance didn’t render it irrelevant,
> > > the sheer medical logistics involved would make it
> > > financially unviable.
> > >
> > > I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,
> > > whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your
> > > decision one way or the other,  I ought to point out
> > > that even if you did choose to  “give the whole
> > > foul jamboree up and go and live in India”  you
> > > would still owe us the money.
> > >
> > > Please send it to us by Friday.
> > >
> > > Yours sincerely,
> > > H J Lee
> > > Customer Relations
> > > Inland Revenue

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ski

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens’ Center.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show – Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
“Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time,” said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,”said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.
“It’s a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations,” said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
“Watch the watch — Watch the watch —- Watch the watch”
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

“SHIT,” said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre and Claude was never invited there again.

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Kiss

Garage Door.

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.  His assistant walked up to him and said,
‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told
her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled  by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door
was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

**

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years
old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

**

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’

**

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

**

A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbour . ‘What kind is it?’
‘ Twelve thirty..’

**

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

**

One more. . ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
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Tree

 If you married a first cousin……………….
>
> I encourage everyone to read all the way through. This explains a lot about faithful Muslims.*
>
> *RESULTS OF 1400 YEARS OF IN-BREEDING.
>
> Just in case any of you have wondered why those folks in the Middle East who are wearing weird full-length clothing in 120 degree heat, living in hovels, riding camels, beheading people who disagree with them, stoning their daughters, cutting off hands & putting bombs on their children do these things, I think the answer lies in the commentary below. Sure makes sense to me. Of course, I am just an infidel. This came to me from a Lockheed friend who has had 3 assignments to Saudi Arabia.
>
>
> *During the pilot transition program with the KV-107 and C-130 with Lockheed, we found that most Saudi pilot trainees had very limited night vision, even on the brightest of moonlit nights. Their training retention rate was minimal including maintenance personnel. Some had dim memories & had to be constantly reminded of things that were told to them the day before. Needless to say, an American, British or any other western instructor gets burned out pretty quick. It actually took Muslim C-130 pilots years before they could fly in the dark safely and then would be reluctant to leave the lights of a city. Ask any Marine, Air Force or Army guy who’s been trying to train Iraqis & especially Afghans. They will say, “Yep, dumber than homemade dodo”*
>
> *Islam is not only a religion, it’s a way of life all the way around Yet another set of revealing facts about Muslim beliefs and traditions and ways of life. 1,400 years of inbreeding. I found this to be interesting. Didn’t know whether to believe it or not. To research I went to Wikipedia, “Cousin Marriage” & far down in the article “Genetics”, it seems there is a lot of truth here. A huge Muslim problem: Inbreeding Nikolai Sennels is a Danish psychologist who has done extensive research into a little-known problem in the Muslim world: the disastrous results of Muslim inbreeding brought about by the marriage of first-cousins.*
>
> *This practice, which has been prohibited in the Judeo-Christian tradition since the days of Moses, was sanctioned by Muhammad and has been going on now for 50 generations (1,400 years) in the Muslim world.*
>
> *This practice of inbreeding will never go away in the Muslim world, since Muhammad is the ultimate example & authority on all matters, including marriage.*
>
> *The massive inbreeding in Muslim culture may well have done virtually irreversible damage to the Muslim gene pool, including extensive damage to its intelligence, sanity, and health. According to Sennels, close to half of all Muslims in the world are inbred. In Pakistan, the numbers approach 70%. Even in England, more than half of Pakistani immigrants are married to their first cousins & in Denmark the number of inbred Pakistani immigrants is around 40%.*
>
> *The numbers are equally devastating in other important Muslim countries: 67% in Saudi Arabia, 64% in Jordan, and Kuwait, 63% in Sudan, 60% in Iraq, and 54% in the United Arab Emirates & Qatar. According to the BBC, this Pakistani, Muslim-inspired inbreeding is thought to explain the probability that a British Pakistani family is more than 13 times as likely to have children with recessive genetic disorders. While Pakistanis are responsible for 3% of the births in the UK, they account for 33% of children with genetic birth defects.*
>
> *The risks of what are called autosomal recessive disorders such as cystic fibrosis and spinal muscular atrophy is 18 times higher & the risk of death due to malformations is 10 times higher. Other negative consequences of inbreeding include a 100% increase in the risk of still births & a 50% increase in the possibility that a child will die during labor.*
>
> *Lowered intellectual capacity is another devastating consequence of Muslim marriage patterns. According to Sennels, research shows that children of consanguineous marriages lose 10-16 points off their IQ and that social abilities develop much slower in inbred babies. The risk of having an IQ lower than 70, the official demarcation for being classified as “retarded,” increases by an astonishing 400% among children of cousin marriages. (Similar effects were seen in the Pharaonic dynasties in ancient Egypt & in the British royal family, where inbreeding was the norm for a significant period of time.) In Denmark, non-Western immigrants are more than 300% more likely to fail the intelligence test required for entrance into the Danish army.*
>
> *Sennels says that “the ability to enjoy & produce knowledge & abstract thinking is simply lower in the Islamic world.” He points out that the Arab world translates just 330 books every year, about 20% of what Greece alone does.*
>
> *In the last 1,200 years of Islam, just 100,000 books have been translated into Arabic, about what Spain does in a single year. 7 out of 10 Turks have never even read a book. Sennels points out the difficulties this creates for Muslims seeking to succeed in the West. “A lower IQ, together with a religion that denounces critical thinking, surely makes it harder for many Muslims to have success in our high-tech knowledge societies.” Only nine Muslims have ever won the Nobel Prize & 5 of those were for the “Peace Prize.” According to Nature magazine, Muslim countries produce just 10% of the world average when it comes to scientific research measured by articles per million inhabitants. In Denmark, Sennels’ native country, Muslim children are grossly over represented among children with special needs. One-third of the budget for Danish schools is consumed by special education & anywhere from 51% to 70% of retarded children with physical handicaps in Copenhagen have an immigrant background. Learning ability is severely affected as well. Studies indicated that 64% of school children with Arabic parents are still illiterate after 10 years in the Danish school system. The immigrant drop-out rate in Danish high schools is twice that of the native-born.*
>
> *Mental illness is also a product. The closer the blood relative, the higher the risk of schizophrenic illness. The increased risk of insanity may explain why more than 40% of patients in Denmark’s biggest ward for clinically insane criminals have an immigrant background.*
>
> *The U.S. is not immune. According to Sennels, “One study based on 300,000 Americans shows that the majority of Muslims in the USA have a lower income, are less educated, and have worse jobs than the population as a whole.”*
>
> *Sennels concludes: There is no doubt that the wide spread tradition of first cousin marriages among Muslims has harmed the gene pool among Muslims. Because Muslims’ religious beliefs prohibit marrying non-Muslims & thus prevents them from adding fresh genetic material to their population, the genetic damage done to their gene pool since their prophet allowed first cousin marriages 1,400 years ago are most likely massive. This has produced overwhelming direct & indirect human and societal consequences.*
>
> *Bottom line: Islam is not simply a benign & morally equivalent alternative to the Judeo-Christian tradition. As Sennels points out, the first and biggest victims of Islam are Muslims. Simple Judeo-Christian compassion for Muslims and a common-sense desire to protect Western civilization from the ravages of Islam dictate a vigorous opposition to the spread of this dark & dangerous religion. These stark realities must be taken into account when we establish public polices dealing with immigration from Muslim countries and the building of mosques in the U.S.*
>
> *Let’s hope the civilized West & the North Americans wake up before the reality of Islam destroys what remains of our Judeo-Christian culture & what is left of our domestic tranquility.*

******************************************************

Sun

 Politically correct  joke (Screw ’em – Spikey.)
> >
> > As it’s no longer politically correct to direct a joke
> > at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:
> >
> > An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a
> > Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an
> > Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a
> > Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a
> > Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a
> > Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an
> > Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an
> > African went to a night club.
> >
> >
> > Wait for
> > it!
> >
> > ……..
> >
> >
> > The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in
> > without a Thai. ”
**************************************************

McDonalds

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas .

The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, “Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?”

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,
“We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800’s.”

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, “Just the four of you?”
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The other 12 million are already there!”

**************************************************

SoftWare

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ‘How many people here believe in ghosts?’

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?’

About 40 students raise their hands.

That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?’

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?’

Three students raise their hands.

That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?’

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says ‘Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.  You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.’

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ‘So, Ahmed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?’

Ahmed replied, “Sh*t, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”

***********************************************

Rainbow

Someone asked me, “and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?”

I replied, “Yes I am my wife’s sexual adviser.”

Somewhat shocked, they said “I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?”

“Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she’ll ask me for it.”

***********************************************

Camping

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

‘I’m too young to die,’ she wails.

Then she yells, ‘If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
To be memorable!

Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?’

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from  Alberta   stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
Button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps.

He whispers . .

‘Here, iron this. Then get me a beer’.

*****************************************************

Bathe

******************************************************

The Irish Millionaire

Mick,   from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be  a  Millionaire’ and toward the end of the  program  had already won 500,000 pounds.  “You’ve done  very well so far,” said Chris  Tarrant, the  show’s presenter,”but for a  million pounds,  you’ve only got one  life-line left, phone a  friend.   Everything is riding on this  question.  Will you go for  it?”

“Sure,”  said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a)    Sparrow
b)    Thrush,
c)    Magpie,
d)    Cuckoo?”

“I   haven’t got a clue.” said Mick, ”So I’ll use  me  last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy  back  home in Dublin .”

Mick   called up his mate Paddy, and told him the   circumstances and  repeated the question  to  him.
“Fookin’   hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple  –   it’s a cuckoo.”
“Are   you sure?”
“I’m  fookin’ sure.”
Mick  hung up the phone and told Chris,  “I’ll go with  cuckoo as me answer.”
“Is  that your final answer?” asked  Chris.
“Dat  it is.”

There  was a long, long pause and  then the presenter  screamed, “Cuckoo is  the correct answer! Mick,  you’ve won 1  million pounds!”

The next night, Mick  invited Paddy to their local  pub to buy  him a  drink.
“Tell  me,  Paddy?  How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its  own  nest?”

“Because he lives in a fookin’ clock!”

***************************************************

MoreMoose

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with  her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart  Greeter said pleasantly “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman  stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they  ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you  blind, or just stupid?”

“I’m  neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe someone would fuck you  twice.”

Moose

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, ‘My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.  One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.’

‘What’s the morale of that story?’ asked the teacher.

‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!’

‘Very good,’ said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, ‘Our family are farmers too.  But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched’.’

‘That was a fine story Sarah.’

Michael, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.’

‘Good heavens,’ said the horrified teacher, ‘what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?’

‘Stay the f ….  away from Aunty Sharon when she’s been drinking

Polar bear slips on ass

The Candy With the Little Hole
(I think this side of the pond, they are called ‘POLO’.-Spikey)

This should make you smile.
You have to love little kids.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red………………..Cherry
Yellow…………….Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange …………..Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your
mother may sometimes call your father.’

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

 

Bear chases man around car

Have a look at this, click on it:

PORT_BELGE1

I have a comment; “SHIT!”

A SENIOR MOMENT – An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1– To make an appointment to see me.

2– To query a missing payment.

3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7– To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)

8– To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client
Addendum from The Editor:
IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a 98 year old woman…

Chicken&Egg

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A very Merry Christmas everyone. -Spikey

 

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